It’s hard thinking about the long term sometimes. Life changes things up so often and in such big ways, that no matter how much you plan, how hard you hope, how many prayers were offered, it changes. Or it ends.

Living’s complicated. The grind is getting harder. The poor is getting poorer, the rich are getting richer, and those of us in the middle are doing all we can just to stay afloat. We do all these things to escape from the day to day, but put our long term savings on the line to do so. But what else are we doing all this work for?

If we’re lucky enough to survive the next 40-50 years, what do we have to look forward to? A dying planet. Jobs that are getting harder and harder to get and keep. Blatant breaches in decency. Truth that is now twisted to what is most convenient to the one hearing it.

I’m scared honestly. For the choices we have to make in the future as the adults. For what we have to accept, and what there is to find.

On a Friday that started full of hope and a mug each of 2 espresso shots, genmaicha and liquid vitamin c, I am trying to pull myself out of dismay.

Maybe I should just stop reading the news.

I don’t have a poker face. Anyone who has met me has let me know that I have RBF to begin with. It is very hard for me to fake my way through something I don’t agree with, which makes being an adult hard sometimes.

What I learned early on as an adult, a big part of it is dealing with things you would rather not. Endless piles of laundry, doctor’s appointments by yourself, and social situations you’d rather not be involved in. It’s a lot, and there are times you just want to throw a tantrum and not deal with it. It’s a cycle. When you’re young you’re not expected to, as a functioning adult, you have to, and there’s a point when you’re old enough that you don’t need to.

Why am I talking about facing things like an adult? Because this year has been an ongoing lesson of it. One of the biggest things I’ve had to really take to heart is to stop my mouth/or fingers (from typing) from running away with me. I have also noted that the more I keep something I want to say in a heated moment, the less I have to apologize for after, a lesson I’ve learned from seeing it in my dad and brother, but also the hard way from my outbursts in the past.

So what now?

There are still a lot of things on my plate that I need a lot of patience for. I like to do things quickly and have them revert quickly but I know that other people have things to do and their own pace. I take a breather when I’m feeling frustrated. I treat myself to things I don’t deserve (massages, nice dinners, very recently jewelry). In as much as I want to plan for the long run, the other voice in my head reminds me that life is short. That there is little reassurance that my stay here is long enough for me to enjoy what I put aside.

But who knows?

What have you had to face as an adult lately?

It’s been on my mind lately. One of my closest friends quit their job this week. A good job, where they were valued and paid enough. What pushes people to the breaking point? Why are some more willing to take the crap than others?

Being a millenial (which now feels like a rude word), I’m caught in the middle. Being raised by people that were taught that one stable job the rest of your life is a great deal, but also seeing that now the world is open to opportunities like there never was, but at a price.

Honestly, the industry I have found myself in can be incredibly cutthroat. I myself have made decisions I never thought I would. I’ve had to question people on their personal life even if I didn’t want to hear a single detail. I’ve had to cut hardworking folks because of a business need. I’ve had to have incredibly tough conversations that impacted people’s livelihoods.

It’s changed me. In a way I hope for the better, but sometimes, the cynicism cuts right through sometimes. When I try and advise people who haven’t gone through what I have, and offer them worst case scenario, I feel bad. I want them to be hopeful and look for the best in people, but I have had to look at the worst.

Maybe it’s just me. The reality is, there is no white knight to save me from a life of hard work and persisting stress. If I want to succeed, I will have to do this on my own. I cannot depend on others for my life to improve, it just doesn’t work that way for me.

But as always, I digress.

I’m paddling away at the soup of labor, and sometimes it feels like I’m getting pulled under. Sometimes I just want to flip a table. Other times it’s so fulfilling and I’m grateful that I’m able to impact others positively, but that can really be a two edged sword.

So when is enough, enough?

I guess I’ll find out.