I’ve been having trouble sleeping. These days, I can’t sleep for more than 2 hours straight. My head is overfilled and at the same time feels like it’s been drained of any sense whatsoever.

I have been dealing with this with song, songs too old to even make sense, and some that have already been through this with me. Early 2000 hits that somehow, are hitting the nail on the head too much sometimes, from Keane, to John Mayer, to Urbandub’s angstiest hits.

I can’t exactly call myself angsty, or pensive, or anything like that. I think, I will let other, more eloquent people put it better, and say unsteady.

So maybe I’ve been listening to X Ambassador’s Unsteady too much, and it doesn’t really say much, but it feels like the right fit.

Hold on

Hold on to me,

Cause I’m a little unsteady

A little unsteady

I really am trying to be better at getting out of my head about my life right now, but I find myself just singing out loud.

I am unsteady and it’s a bitch to admit it right now when you’re trying to reset into a new year, facing these things positively, and bringing that energy into yourself, but maybe it’s not so bad admitting wobbly knees and shaking hands. Until I find myself in better footing myself, I will be unsteady.

It’s Christmas day now, and some of us are still sleepy, some of us are hungover, some of us have gone back to the realities of adulthood. I am lying down and can’t turn my mind off, even if I only got 4 hours of sleep.

Last night, we could hardly fit in the living room and again, we got super noisy during the raffle. There are more and more gifts to be gotten and given as new families join in, and the kids who now have jobs are continuing the tradition of giving out their own gifts.

As usual we ate too much all day. I didn’t feel hunger the whole time I’ve been here. If love could be measured by the feeling of fullness, no one can accuse us of not loving one another.

Right now, kare kare and grilled lamb are being prepared for a lunch that’s 2 hours after the belated breakfast because people finished drinking at 4 am.

You should’ve been here Nanay, only banana wasn’t here, all your grandkids were here to celebrate, the first time we’ve been this complete in a while.

I wish you would have been here. It’s not the same, and I miss leaning on you or asking how pretty you feel today.

I know you’re good up there, and we’re good here too, but it’s just different.

So Merry Christmas Nay, and I hope you’ve got good stories up there, I’ll ask for all of them when we see each other again.

After a bad start, I found a bright spot to a difficult day. Wading in the middle of bad vibes and guilt trips has had me feeling itchy due to stress induced allergies, and I have been chasing a high that is still eluding me.

But today I am grateful. After receiving a note of thanks that felt really sincere, all the other bs that came with it was much less a weight on my shoulders.

It really does change a mood, reading good things. I should remind myself more often of the good people out there and to surround myself with them not just personally but anywhere I need to be, in as much as I can influence it.

So what are you grateful for today?

While it is not my first time in Hanoi, I found what I think is the best view to be had in my last visit. On a rooftop bar, with not so nice staff but the best view in the city, a quiet refuge from the business below.

I must come back to it, but for now, I’ll keep thinking of the serenity of the moment, sitting down, enjoying the lit up lake.

What’s your favorite view in a city you’ve been to?

I cannot stress enough how much real hugs, the one that take your breath away, help me on so many levels.

In as much as I identify with being introverted, and introverted being not one to be the first to introduce myself, or share stories off the bat, and like crowds a whole lot, I do enjoy being with the people I love.

And a lot of that, I realized again last night, is getting these not fake hugs that encircle and make me feel safe. The ones that hold on even after the cursory 2 seconds.

I got a lot of these last night, and as I am not one for fake closeness, I breathed it in. I found myself again thankful for finding the people in my life that have stayed.

I am not known for my warmth, or niceness. My reputation at work or at home is one of being businesslike, even strict. I give people short leases because I normally have a short temper. Maybe that’s why when I get genuine, uncomplicated affection, I am extra emotional about it.

And boy have I been extra emotional lately. I should not have tried to watch Coco by myself for the first time. My voice still cracks every so often when I think about my grief.

Hugs help, and it doesn’t hurt that my friends have their comforting signature scents, ones that even when I smell it on other people, make me smile randomly because of the accompanying reassuring feelings that come with the smell.

If you are a friend and I am freaking you out right now because I can identify you by smell, tough. The creepy way I take down reminders of you is part of this package.

When was the last time you had a real hug? Who was it from?

For the people that have been broken, torn, bruised and are still out there, I applaud you.

I’ve been extra weepy these days, and I don’t know if it’s being sick, or all these decade wrap ups I’ve been reading. Really makes you think, 2010-2020, what have I done, who have I hurt, who has hurt me? What pain is there in store?

But as always, I digress.

For those who still wants the pain that love can bring, I think you should listen to Elton John’s “I Want Love” today. Besides the fact that the video has Robert Downey in what I think is his extra handsome phase (And that perfectly fitting gray shirt and black slacks don’t hurt either), the lyrics are heart stoppingly apt:

I can’t love, shot full of holes
Don’t feel nothing, I just feel cold
Don’t feel nothing, just old scars
Toughening up around my heart

But I want love, just a different kind
I want love, won’t break me down
Won’t brick me up, won’t fence me in
I want a love, that don’t mean a thing
That’s the love I want, I want love  

So for all of us that are dead in places and are working with scar tissue that still believe in the concept of vulnerability and giving the best parts of yourself to people, I admire those who just keep going.

I still have hope for me.

Dear Nanay,

I’ve brought out and worn my reds, and it feels a little bit like I’m leaving you behind. The normalcy of having all my colors is a bit disappointing.

I read this week that grief never ends, and I want to agree. There are days when it’s harder, and some days when it’s easier, but grief is grief any way you cut it.

Christmas, our second one without you is coming up. I miss you not singing at mass. I miss your sassiness. I have so much regrets not being able to take on your recipes in the kitchen.

But I guess this isn’t what you raises us all for. We are here to love each other and support one another. And we’re trying. Doing the best we can.

How is it up there?

I miss you.

Another day, another loved one that you just want to absorb all the bad stuff for. I hear the term “I’m done” too often for my liking.

While I try to talk to the loved one about the ship that’s hit the fan, I will try to recalibrate my head too and this song by Fergie has been helping me since I heard it.

A lot of promises, broken things that were said
And I can’t get out of this bed
Got bruises on my heart, plenty scars on my mind
Got blisters under the band-aid over my life
Gonna rip it open and show the world what’s there

I’m here and it’s still the same thing day to day. Getting up and getting emotional. But it’s a testament to the persistence of life that I’m still here even when I’ve wanted to give up a long time ago.

There are a lot of things on my brain lately, trying to find meaning in things that don’t quite make sense to me.

It’s been a long road to get to where I am today, but it just feels like I’m going in circles most days.

Can you tell me when this ride is going to stop? I want to know how it ends.

Is my life just supposed to be an endless parade of hard things before it ends, or are these signs trying to tell me something?

I have strayed from the path rightly travelled by other people my age. So far so that the maps stopped long ago.

Can you tell me where I’m supposed to be? Because my shoes and heart are wearing thin.