It doesn’t look like me and the pose is awkward, mostly because this was four sangrias in with little sleep.

I’d like to think I was happy in the photo this was based on, albeit a bit dazed. Pre-pandemic, and just a little bit spoiled by having one of my favorite friends around for longer than usual, and being irresponsible with everything else in my life.

And I was. Selfish and dropping everything else that wasn’t work or fun. I barely knew what was happening at home or helped out at all.

The rest of 2020 was a learning experience for me. In both good and bad. I felt like I farmed secrets. Secrets had grown from small things to big, life altering things. I changed my life and made choices that I would never have made otherwise. Things that thrilled but also scared the heck out of me. And that person that smiled for the photo? Not really me anymore.

But even if I have to live with things hidden in my life, I wouldn’t change a thing. I LIVED. It hurt like a motherfucker some of the time, and it was undeniably beautiful the rest, but I got to LIVE.

It’s a lot. Honestly I’m grateful. And I know who I am after the scars (there are actual scars still, if anyone has a scar remedy please let me know) is one who has learned a ton. Of who I am, and who I can still be.

I’m hitting 35 this year, and even with only the buns and me running away from my family if they try to hug me because it’s probably a trick, it’s going to be a hell of a trip.

Who are you now? How has last year changed you?

1. Hanging with two friends after a year and eating amazing Indian food.

2. Being overwhelmed with information that I had to stare at nothing for a while, but tired in a good way, that I can ask questions without feeling too idiotic.

3. Getting three Christmas cards in a week, which were super late but not in the least less appreciated.

4. The buns getting free herbs from friends that can actually grow them. I still can’t grow but have access to rabbit fresh food!

What are you grateful for?

1. The opportunity to start over, working with people I genuinely care for and respect, and raring to make a positive impact on things. —that’s a lot to say but I am optimistic.

2. “Consulting” with a friend about life. And feeling like I actually helped (At least I hope I did)

3. Eating a dozen tamales myself because the rest of the family aren’t fans. If I could eat Mexican food all the time I would.

4. Cleaning out two closets’ worth of clothes to give away. Usually a hit on my self esteem, just feels good now to get myself more space.

5. This postcard from Postsecret. Weirdly comforting, sounds like a friend.

What are you grateful for?

1. Above: Pops celebrating his 67th birthday, with each member of the fam present, having their own favorites, and eating till we were too full to talk.

2. Chibi’s teeth float going well. I always have a nerve wracking time when she has to go under anesthesia, but our vet is wonderful and she went through the procedure like a pro.

3. Getting to talk to old work friends and people I truly respect and admire a few times last week.

4. Less migraines this week. Sounds super lame, but I’ve had massive migraines since the beginning of this year, to only have 1 last week is a blessing.

What are you grateful for?

1. These sourdough donuts from Needletail coffee

2. Catching up with a former colleague, reminding me of where I was almost two years ago and where I am today.

3. Getting a pot of dill and several cuttings of oregano (crossing fingers they survive).

4. Being able to attend a Postsecret event again, and absolutely losing it at a few secrets.