I have not been making great financial decisions. In a particularly tense economic climate, I have chosen to fly across the world, three times all over the US, to be around people I love.

It’s been very dark in my head. A lot of loss, making my peace with grief, and anxiety about *gestures at everything* has made me a migraine suffering insomniac with high blood pressure, acid reflux with a touch of disordered eating.

And I fear I may be putting myself in more financial ruin by emotionally attaching to more people not just across one, but two continents. Maybe it’s the attachment issues. Maybe I’m just tired of losing people. Maybe I just need people to stay.

-J

Lately, I keep catching myself letting out, or gasping for air. I literally keep holding my breath and don’t know why I’m doing it. I still don’t. But it’s now an annoying reaction to a lot of things.

Maybe it’s a reminder to take deeper breaths. Maybe it’s an indication that I’m holding inner tension. All I know is that it’s an inconvenient reaction to things that I’m trying to understand.

-J

Less than a month after we lost Chester, our last dog Backo left us too. He was six and got sick really quickly. It was the first time we had to decide to end a pet’s pain. It happened very quickly, and the vet that helped him go over the rainbow bridge was kind enough to let us do it at home.

I’m grateful. That he didn’t suffer long. That we were able to say goodbye and help him through it. That it went peacefully. That we could afford the choice that didn’t force him through more pain. But for the whole of his existence I felt bad for Baracko. I should, and could have done better for him, but I didn’t.

So now we are a dogless, Chesterless household and now going into a new calendar year, we’re not any closer to being a home good enough for a new pet to be in. And i’m not placing blame unto anyone in particular. I’m hardly a rabbit mom sometimes, the amount of time I’m not home. I know I can only do this because Joannaman loves Peeper as much as I do. And I’m lucky to have that. And I admit I was not that when she needed me to for Oprah. And I will carry that in my conscience for the rest of my days.

So I’m asking the universe to stop challenging me to scar tissue and to please just send me kindness. A gentle breeze instead of the rough winds that have been ripping through my emotional sails.

Please?