I have not been making great financial decisions. In a particularly tense economic climate, I have chosen to fly across the world, three times all over the US, to be around people I love.

It’s been very dark in my head. A lot of loss, making my peace with grief, and anxiety about *gestures at everything* has made me a migraine suffering insomniac with high blood pressure, acid reflux with a touch of disordered eating.

And I fear I may be putting myself in more financial ruin by emotionally attaching to more people not just across one, but two continents. Maybe it’s the attachment issues. Maybe I’m just tired of losing people. Maybe I just need people to stay.

-J

Lately, I keep catching myself letting out, or gasping for air. I literally keep holding my breath and don’t know why I’m doing it. I still don’t. But it’s now an annoying reaction to a lot of things.

Maybe it’s a reminder to take deeper breaths. Maybe it’s an indication that I’m holding inner tension. All I know is that it’s an inconvenient reaction to things that I’m trying to understand.

-J