I am grateful.
Category: Cheese
It could happen any time
What made me happy, June 26th 2023
Status report: Sugar is all out of whack, and is affecting so many different things. Losing sleep, breaking out in hives. It’s going to get better it’s just me.
My bright spots from the last week:
1. Acceptance. Late last week, I let go of clothes I had been holding on to for decades. I have accepted that because of everything working against me, my petite size blazers, xs skirts, and post college hoodies are long gone for me. It was half a day of humbling (but also cathartic) going through four 50L boxes, and half my childhood closet. I hope the folks mom chooses to give it to take it out to make their own memories, and feel great about themselves.
2. Getting back to Tita Sundays. Because of a few hiccups — it’s been a while since we’ve had our usual, but it was a really good one. More varied cuisine, definitely more in quantity than usual, and a much needed massage. Do I deserve it? I hope so. Did I flinch a little bit just burning through my wallet? Yeah. Still though, I realize how little my actual world is, and how little responsibility I actually hold, and it’s a luxury right now to even get good food or time away, and I’m making the most of it.
3. A (semi) wake up call. I hate when my gut is right sometimes, and my gut has been nagging at me for a bit now. It’s disheartening, but also gives me a time and space to think. To address where I may have lost my compass and realign it. I have been in limbo for far too long, hoping the sinking feeling in my stomach was just my overanxious mind. So I’m breathing deep. Letting go. Moving forward. It’s been a good run but good runs can’t last forever. I know this more than I can admit.
What made you happy lately? -J
Lost by Frank Ocean
Build Me Up Buttercup by The Foundations
What made me happy as of week of May 15, 2023
Status report: Only one hive breakout! But the whole week my brain wouldnt let me sleep. So much to think about, and I need to give myself some space and boundaries. Work in progress.
I had some bright spots. It was a rollercoaster of a week and there were a lot of things on my mind. Good things. Crazy things. Out of bound things. But mostly, good.
1. Having an aha moment with my (adopted) team. Sometimes it’s the big things, sometimes it the small things. This week, it felt like this small moment of collaboration was a good way to get things going. We can all learn from each other, and from what I’ve seen, every single person can contribute. This week, a simple scriptwriting session reminded me of the old days, in the best way. Here’s hoping that bit of momentum keeps us going.
2. Getting by with a little help from my friends. I am a very sentimental person, and I tell my friends all the time that I love them. I don’t know if they are aware of how much they keep me going. In my own quiet spaces, when I feel most alone, I hear them in my head, telling me to go on. When you’re in your head a lot like I am, that counts for so much. This week was definitely something I leaned a lot on them on, and I’m glad they could be here. If not physically, in spirit.
3. Seeing family. We live 3 hours away from cousins on both sides, and aunts and uncles have a lot on their plate. Being able to hang out in an unexpected manner or timing is a blessing. Sharing a meal, talking about random things. I’ve always wanted to move to my mom’s hometown. Maybe I will. Who knows?
Songs of the week:
SNAP by Rosa Linn
The Way I Am by Ingrid Michaelson
Gives You Hell by The All American Rejects
With A Little Help from my Friends by Joe Cocker
-J
The last time
The last time I had a crush, he used words like esoteric around me, spoke in a really calm, breathy manner, and was, by all accounts, very brainy. I was infatuated with his intelligence, and ignored all the red flags that were clearly all around him.
It was, as most of my crushes go, horrid. He showed me over and over what kind of a person he was, and I smoothed it over in my head with the thoughts of what we had in common. Even my friends were telling me how badly it would go for me, but as anyone who’s had a crush can attest, it needed to burn out on its own.
And burn it did, in a manner that I didn’t expect, and in hindsight, the best way it could. Crashing and burning is good for me. A slow burn is torture.
But I can’t wait for the next time. A crush is a crash for me a lot of the time, but when the universe aligns, it’s pretty damn amazing.
I hope you live a life that makes you happy
There have been a few things that has brought to my attention, how time has passed in my life, and how I am “no longer a spring chicken”. The first being — the rabbit I have lived with for 8 years being called an old man by his vet. The second, the realization that my friendship from high school turns two decades old this year. The last, that during a routine blood pressure check, I was at a 160/90.
These three things may seem small, but I’ve been thinking about them a lot. I have a very simple life. I work, I hang out with my rabbits, and if I’m lucky, I get to hang out with my loved ones. Rinse, repeat. It is a very routine, predictable cycle, that I would enjoy a break from now and then. The beginning of this year, for almost a full month, was out of the box for me, with a lot of socialization, a lot of driving, and a lot of unusual things that took me out of an uncomplicated pattern for a little bit.
So I think I’m just going to say fuck it and make this a year of Doing things that make me happy. As long as I am not hurting others deliberately, still be able to provide for my rabbits, and relatively survive, I think — it’s time to stop thinking about the next 30 years, but think of the next 30 days, or weeks.
The way I’m going, this life is killing me slowly anyway, I might as well enjoy it. Maybe be a bit less conservative with my choices, and live because I still can. People die everyday. Quickly because of car crashes, or they decide they’re done and hang themselves on a rope, or because their body was just like, “Fuck you, I’m going to grow a tumor in your brain that you can’t treat and just ravage you until you’re left a shell of the vibrant, sarcastic person you once were.” We don’t know what life decides to deal us tomorrow. Nothing is fair. We don’t get better chances because we do good for others. So do good for you. Before it’s too damn late.
So what have I done lately that made me happy? Here are a few highlights of 2023 so far, in no particular order:
- Today’s “Tita” hedonistic day of farmer’s market food, 2.5 hour massages, and Korean barbecue. Anne, Joannaman, and myself taking hard earned money and in my opinion burning it well, and with no one to have to explain to.
- Being able to travel with my best friend again — to a new destination (Bali), and an old favorite (Hanoi). Verdict: Bali was semi peaceful, especially in the Ubud hilly area, with all the rice fields, but the croaks of frogs ruined peace for me. I get the appeal, but I’m not sure I would go back, unless I had someone to carry me over the sides.
- Peeper Peeps being such a big personality. Her side muffin. Her way of always bounding over when she hears the slightest crinkle of a bag. When she tucks herself in with the rug when we turn the AC on. I love her. I wish Chunky and Chibi could have met her. She is still very much a defensive bun, but her 4 years of living as a foster is the cause of that — she is still a very happy one, and for that I am grateful.
- A gorgeous view in an unusual place. Even ill-advised airbnbs can still surprise you. I am not a person to “staycation”, much more so to places that have a tough drive. Even more when the bathroom isn’t great. However, the saving grace of a staycation airbnb with a drive that almost made me weep, a view of Metro Manila people like me in the middle of it rarely see. A quiet, almost haunting skyline of smog, lights, and millions of people almost a little too far away for comfort. Clean air you can truly breathe deep in. And best of all, stars that shone brighter because of less light pollution. I missed looking at stars and not having to hurry up to go somewhere or go back to sleep. I do like nature, when there are no frogs to ruin it.
Songs of the year so far:
Flowers by Miley Cyrus
Say it First by Sam Smith
July by Noah Cyrus and Leon Bridges
Life is short, week 18 of 52
Status report: Hives 3x this week, no migraines.
Life is short moments to note:
1. A baby hike that was fully squishy. I am not the fittest person. I don’t really go outdoors for fear of frogs. But I actually like the baby hikes that are frog free is what I realize. Two years of being told to stay indoors I guess. Or just seeing other views that are addicting. Who knows.
2. Exploring a walkable city. I love cities you can walk in. Granted I need thermal leggings and puff jackets in weather below 20 degrees celcius, I still love seeing new places that are safe and I can fairly get around without a lot of transportation. I love this city.
3. Having time with a friend. I got to spend a week with one of my favorite people in the world. Just being girls and laughing and getting through weirdness together. I could not have done this without her.
What are your life is short moments for the past week?
-J
Life is short, week 13 of 52
Status report: 3 days of migraines, 2 of insomnia. Trying to stick to better habits, but still cooking my liver.
1. Clearing my head. My foray into semi anonymous humanity was a very intense learning experience. It made me learn a ton more about myself, (Tbh I’m getting really tired of all this self introspection, I like learning about other people) and it just makes me more grateful for my people.
2. Someone else willing to drive. Migraines and insomnia do not make a good driver, so I am incredibly grateful for my access to people who are willing to drive around and just help. It’s a lot considering where I live, and it’s a blessing.
3. Silliness with friends. I have so little time to really be there for the people I care about, and any time is a gift. I had time with friends that I didn’t really expect to get, so I am grateful.
Song of the week: Times Like These by Foo Fighters
-J
2022 — I’m going with, “Life is short.”
In 2021, it was all covid fatigue. We’ve been a year in. I knew I was in a not good place to begin. I came up for air bruised and battered, and all the more scarred.
I hope I really made the moments count. There were a lot of decisions made under the guise of “Life is short.” Sure, there were decisions that ultimately hurt like hell afterwards. But there were also ones that changed me for good.
I’m not going to go into details that can get me into trouble, but suffice to say— I did my best to live while I could. Having lost two friends tragically (not to covid) just made the idea stick even more.
So 2022 – Under the idea of life being so unexpected that you don’t know who’s going to be here tomorrow, I’m just going to keep on with Life is short. Take the small wins. Live while you’re still here.
On that thread, for the first week of 2022, my Life is short moments are:
1. Having cookies and milk for dinner. Because why not?
2. Working outside while it’s cool.
3. Making insane amounts of chili for myself.
Song of the week: Solo by Frank Ocean
What little things made you appreciate life a bit more last week?
-J
What I’m grateful for, week 50 of 52
1. Incredibly smart people that are kind. Often, one can show up without the other. I’ve been lucky enough to know and love people that are both. I learn so much everyday and I’m thankful for the people that make that a human experience and not just a transactional one.
2. Progress. I am an extremely impatient person, and more than once I have cried about setbacks the past week, but at the end of the day, even the smallest steps are still steps. I can often forget that, so this is a good reminder.
3. Being able to witness people show up to an office talent show. It may sound lame, but with less than a week’s notice, talented freaking people showed up and did not phone it in. It could have been so easy to just be chill and not have anyone participate, but we saw amazing talent, and it’s such a great baseline for next year. It’s the little things.
Song of the week: Tayong Dalawa sa Pasko by Nobita
What are you grateful for?
-J