I am grateful.
Category: Gratitude
Chester Buko 2014-2024
The calmest, most loving rabbit I have ever had, Chester peacefully passed in my arms Saturday night. He had a challenging last three months of his life, vet visits, liver disease, almost a month in total of confinement.
In the end, he gave it his all, and held on until he could, gave us time to say goodbye. He laid down his head and was gone.
He saw us through 10 years of good milestones, and broken hearts. He was our designer item authenticator. He was a vet favorite. He was the best bunny brother for all his bunny sisters. They have now welcomed him over the rainbow bridge, and he can run again. Eat all the basil and banana he can. Flop again.
Thank you Chester for everything, and when it’s my time I hope I’ll see you again. That I’ll deserve your company when I cross.
I love you my buko buks.
What made me happy, September 25, 2023
Status report: MRI day. Trying not to have surgery, but I might need it.
What’s made me happy lately:
1. Chester’s 9th year with us. He has saved my life too many times to count. He has also cost me hundreds of thousands of pesos of damage, because he only chews expensive things. At least he has a sense of humor though. He’s become slow, his fur is less shiny, he’s lost weight, but he’s still my Chester. I can’t imagine a life without him. Here’s hoping I don’t have to find out soon.
2. Hotpot. Our family has a new favorite hotpot place, and I love to see it. We’re very routine people, and barely change our usual places to eat, especially if my dad is involved. A successful intro is almost miraculous because of how hard it is to pull off, but we did this past weekend.
3. Being back in my own space. I’m a little afraid of how much I like my own time, and my own space. Because of how fortunate I am with my work being remote and my family understanding what it means, anyone I see on a regular basis is someone I made an effort to be in the same space with. So when it goes awry, so does my mood. My buns and my friends who still show up may be sick of me, and I keep getting told I should go out more, but it’s so hard to do it. So I’m grateful I can take on Little Mermaid’s Ursula persona and just eat and complain in my own cave.
Songs of the week:
Always Be My Baby by Mariah Carey
Somewhere Only We Know by Lily Allen
Losing Me by Gabrielle Aplin and JP Cooper
This old bun
To closed chapters and enduring friendships.
What made me happy lately, July 20, 2023
Status report: Hives and insomnia have been kicking my ass. Breathing deep, calming down are important especially since I don’t want to wreck my liver with all the meds. Also saw my ortho because my knee has been making me wince with every bend. It’s a process.
1. Being part of a Say Yes to the Dress moment. One of my friends of three(!) decades is getting married soon and asked if I wanted to hang when she tried on wedding dresses. Not having been a part of this process in years, i could not say yes faster, and even arrived earlier and made friends with the bridal shop owner. I love looking at pretty dresses. I love my friend. This was a core moment I’m keeping for our friendship. The food after wasn’t bad either. Filipino comfort food + pavlovas are awesome especially when it’s rainy.
2. Realizing how lucky I am to be working from home in an environment where people support me. Having driven a lot these past week, I had a glimpse of daily traffic, the lines, the difficulty of booking rides. As a person who’s worked from home since 2010 — I’ve not had to deal with having to go to an office full time and I know this is a privilege. I guess what I’m saying is I’m lucky.
3. Feeling accomplished about little things. The aforementioned driving, I drove further than I’ve had without being sure where I was going this past weekend. Being awful at directions, and having had been hit by a few people on the road, I always play it safe, but I took a risk that panned out this weekend. Able to drive and not get lost (more than twice okay) significantly seems like so little but mean a lot to my opportunities for adventure. I hated it. But I loved what it meant for me.
Songs of the week:
Lonely by Imagine Dragons
Sad Forever by Lauv
My Mind & Me by Selena Gomez
Stop This Train by John Mayer
What made me happy, July 10, 2023
Status report: After being given a glowing once over on my 3 month checkup, a couple things have come up. One, that I had terrible acidity this week, extra keep me up at night episodes, and the other, I fear my knee has ripped fully. Tbd, but need to get answers because I can’t bend without wincing.
But there are bright spots that made me happy this past week:
1. Being able to do a sendoff with a friend of more than 11 years. A friend is packing up her whole family to go to Canada and start a new life. I’ve known her since forever, and even her kids and husband. While we didn’t see each other often enough (see, 3 kids and husband), when we do, it’s always falling into the same dynamic. I am so happy for her, and this is the end of an era, but I am glad that she’s carving out this new life in a new place. If anyone can do it, she can.
2. Moments with Chester. This year, my old man turns 9. That’s pretty dang old for rabbits. He looks it too, and is definitely less spry. But he still comes up to me for treats, or head rubs, and melts in enjoyment. I love him so much, much more than every single bedsheet, pillow and blanket I own and he chews.
3. The randomness of friendship. If you told me five years ago who my closest friends would be, I wouldn’t believe you. However, after reflection lately, I realize that a lot of the people I love — started off in the most random of ways. And I’m grateful for their sunshine. I go dark so often, and can really dig in deep, that just their being happy can make me feel better about my own struggles sometimes. In a world full of bastard covered people with bastard filling, this bastard is incredibly thankful about the bastards around her.
Songs of the week:
Heartbreaker by Mariah Carey feat Jay-Z
Hold Me Tight by Evan Rachel Wood (Across the Universe OST)
Maybe This Time by Liza Minelli (Cabaret OST)
What makes you happy?
-J
Happy Bourdain Day
Anthony Bourdain would have been 67, June 26th of 2023. The demons won and we lost him to them in 2018. Truly befitting that going in that day, I made one of his favorite things: roasted bone marrow. To continue the truly hedonistic celebration, spent a day with friends eating our way through Thai, Vietnamese, Spanish, Mexican and Chinese food, plus two oyster trays, and ended it with massages.
The man lived. He really did. He found the highest of highs, and faced really intense lows. But he loved. He loved so many people. He wrote about humanity so well. He was the narrator we never thought we needed, and we are all the more empty now that he’s gone.
His passion was undeniable, and he was flawed as hell. He took everything to heart and it broke him in the end. I hope he’s found peace where he is.
I will end this with writing that is better than mine, because it was his.
“As you move through this life and this world you change things slightly, you leave marks behind, however small. And in return, life — and travel — leaves marks on you. Most of the time, those marks — on your body or on your heart — are beautiful. Often, though, they hurt.”
What made me happy, June 26th 2023
Status report: Sugar is all out of whack, and is affecting so many different things. Losing sleep, breaking out in hives. It’s going to get better it’s just me.
My bright spots from the last week:
1. Acceptance. Late last week, I let go of clothes I had been holding on to for decades. I have accepted that because of everything working against me, my petite size blazers, xs skirts, and post college hoodies are long gone for me. It was half a day of humbling (but also cathartic) going through four 50L boxes, and half my childhood closet. I hope the folks mom chooses to give it to take it out to make their own memories, and feel great about themselves.
2. Getting back to Tita Sundays. Because of a few hiccups — it’s been a while since we’ve had our usual, but it was a really good one. More varied cuisine, definitely more in quantity than usual, and a much needed massage. Do I deserve it? I hope so. Did I flinch a little bit just burning through my wallet? Yeah. Still though, I realize how little my actual world is, and how little responsibility I actually hold, and it’s a luxury right now to even get good food or time away, and I’m making the most of it.
3. A (semi) wake up call. I hate when my gut is right sometimes, and my gut has been nagging at me for a bit now. It’s disheartening, but also gives me a time and space to think. To address where I may have lost my compass and realign it. I have been in limbo for far too long, hoping the sinking feeling in my stomach was just my overanxious mind. So I’m breathing deep. Letting go. Moving forward. It’s been a good run but good runs can’t last forever. I know this more than I can admit.
What made you happy lately? -J
Lost by Frank Ocean
Build Me Up Buttercup by The Foundations
What made me happy — June 20, 2023
Status report: Hives are hivey and insomnia is bad.
I had a few highlights this past week.
1. Having time with friends I’ve had since kindergarten. Decades of friendship and every time we see each other I feel like I’m 12 again, listening to the Spice Girls. We don’t see each other a lot. They have very full lives, offspring even, but we usually come together last minute. I love having them around. Physically tiring, however, a total recharge of my soul.
2. Making plans. Outside of food, plane tickets are my biggest expense that I don’t balk at. With a lot of my loved ones 16 hours and more than 11,000 miles away, it’s money well spent. I can’t wait. Are we there yet?
3. Friends having helpful compulsions. One said friend stayed on my couch for an evening, and started cleaning my bookshelves and office setup while I was showering. Two hours later, my books were dusted, my storage boxes reorganized, my air fryer sparkling. I tell people all the time that I would make a crappy maid, and this really made that clear. I had hired cleaners to do an initial sweep, and did a semi-organizing rush before she came over. I will play to my strengths, and lean into this. Lucky i didn’t offend her too much, just enough for her to want to help.
Songs of the week:
Heat Waves by Glass Animals
Like Real People Do by Hozier
Sleep Well by d4vd
I’m In Love with You by The 1975
What made you happy this past week?
-J