And it’s still going. I’ve been so grateful to have my friends around to start the year. It was too short, and also a lot of things at the same time. I could feel my brain overloading and needing just a sit and a rest for a few hours. I space out — just feeling content sitting in the same room with people I love, on my side of the world for once. I recognize how rare an opportunity this is for us to breathe the same air. To just hear them laughing not from a microphone. My life is different from what I thought it would be growing up.…

I have not been making great financial decisions. In a particularly tense economic climate, I have chosen to fly across the world, three times all over the US, to be around people I love. It’s been very dark in my head. A lot of loss, making my peace with grief, and anxiety about *gestures at everything* has made me a migraine suffering insomniac with high blood pressure, acid reflux with a touch of disordered eating. And I fear I may be putting myself in more financial ruin by emotionally attaching to more people not just across one, but two continents. Maybe it’s the attachment issues. Maybe I’m just tired of…

Lately, I keep catching myself letting out, or gasping for air. I literally keep holding my breath and don’t know why I’m doing it. I still don’t. But it’s now an annoying reaction to a lot of things. Maybe it’s a reminder to take deeper breaths. Maybe it’s an indication that I’m holding inner tension. All I know is that it’s an inconvenient reaction to things that I’m trying to understand. -J

Less than a month after we lost Chester, our last dog Backo left us too. He was six and got sick really quickly. It was the first time we had to decide to end a pet’s pain. It happened very quickly, and the vet that helped him go over the rainbow bridge was kind enough to let us do it at home. I’m grateful. That he didn’t suffer long. That we were able to say goodbye and help him through it. That it went peacefully. That we could afford the choice that didn’t force him through more pain. But for the whole of his existence I felt bad for Baracko.…

-J