The human heart was—and remains—a mystery to me. But I’m learning. I have to. —Anthony Bourdain
Lately, I keep catching myself letting out, or gasping for air. I literally keep holding my breath and don’t know why I’m doing it. I still don’t. But it’s now an annoying reaction to a lot of things.
Maybe it’s a reminder to take deeper breaths. Maybe it’s an indication that I’m holding inner tension. All I know is that it’s an inconvenient reaction to things that I’m trying to understand.
-J
Less than a month after we lost Chester, our last dog Backo left us too. He was six and got sick really quickly. It was the first time we had to decide to end a pet’s pain. It happened very quickly, and the vet that helped him go over the rainbow bridge was kind enough to let us do it at home.
I’m grateful. That he didn’t suffer long. That we were able to say goodbye and help him through it. That it went peacefully. That we could afford the choice that didn’t force him through more pain. But for the whole of his existence I felt bad for Baracko. I should, and could have done better for him, but I didn’t.
So now we are a dogless, Chesterless household and now going into a new calendar year, we’re not any closer to being a home good enough for a new pet to be in. And i’m not placing blame unto anyone in particular. I’m hardly a rabbit mom sometimes, the amount of time I’m not home. I know I can only do this because Joannaman loves Peeper as much as I do. And I’m lucky to have that. And I admit I was not that when she needed me to for Oprah. And I will carry that in my conscience for the rest of my days.
So I’m asking the universe to stop challenging me to scar tissue and to please just send me kindness. A gentle breeze instead of the rough winds that have been ripping through my emotional sails.
Please?
And i find it hard to explain why my heart is broken
For one that couldn’t speak but always listened
Who wasn’t there when I adventured but was there when I was lying down alone crying
Who always understood when I needed a bit more help
Who loved who I loved
And sat with me when I had to say goodbye to them
Your life was too short and mine excruciatingly long
Meet me in the after.
-J
The calmest, most loving rabbit I have ever had, Chester peacefully passed in my arms Saturday night. He had a challenging last three months of his life, vet visits, liver disease, almost a month in total of confinement.
In the end, he gave it his all, and held on until he could, gave us time to say goodbye. He laid down his head and was gone.
He saw us through 10 years of good milestones, and broken hearts. He was our designer item authenticator. He was a vet favorite. He was the best bunny brother for all his bunny sisters. They have now welcomed him over the rainbow bridge, and he can run again. Eat all the basil and banana he can. Flop again.
Thank you Chester for everything, and when it’s my time I hope I’ll see you again. That I’ll deserve your company when I cross.
I love you my buko buks.
Because of lyrics like these —
Two Augusts ago
I told the truth, oh, but you didn’t like it, you went home
You’re in your Benz, I’m by the gate
Now you go alone
Charm all the people you train for, you mean well but aim low
And I’ll make it known like I’m getting paid
That’s just the way life goes
Listen here
-J
Since March of 2020, I’ve repeated the same phrase over and over, usually when I’m trying to justify a choice that’s not smart, practical, or necessarily good.
LIFE IS SHORT. PEOPLE DIE ALL THE TIME.
It’s becoming more and more accurate the more time passes. We keep losing people right and left. There’s wars, genocides, famine, floods. It’s almost absurd how apocalyptic the weather has been, and the situation with the economy just seems to get more dire.
I am choosing to live in the moment. We don’t know who’ll get hit by a car tomorrow. Or turn up dead in a ditch somewhere. Or live after a devastating tumor, but be a shell of their former selves, existing but not really living.
I am very lucky. To be able to make these “insane” choices. My parents have provided for my education and housing, and have taught me to work for a living. I have not had to worry about affording my next meal or being able to pay rent.
So I am going after experiences. Life. However messy. Choosing to go where it takes me.
I don’t really know what I’m trying to say outside of “I’m trying to live.” There are too many people who aren’t here that should be. Who we will never see again, and I’m not wasting more of my time.
And I will keep living as long as the universe will let me.
I’ve just felt like this. I know it’s my brain lying to me. I know it’s going to pass. It doesn’t make it easier when I’m in it. Self awareness is quite different from self actualization.
It’ll get better, but for now, I will keep on keeping on.
Today the universe sent me a reminder. As I was walking back to my place, I saw some of the neighborhood cats. I proceeded to open a sachet of wet food I had in my pocket and offered it to the cats. As one of them was pregnant and we had not made friends before, it swatted at me and hissed very defensively. I walk away and realize 3 minutes later that I had started bleeding.
See I knew the answer, but I was, for about 30 minutes, in denial that I had to get shots. Antirabies, anti tetanus, etc. I delayed until friends had confirmed that I indeed needed to get this looked at. A shower, a drive, and an hour later, after a quick doctor look over and being swarmed by a high school at lunch, I had 8 shots in my system. Not the fun stuff, but 8 very painful injections. One on each arm, a skin test, an anti tetanus, and 5 on the, i didnt even think, bony parts of my hand. And this is one of four days I have to go in, pay for each session, and get more very painful injections to my being.
What did I learn? One, that “just trusting” that another being wouldn’t hurt me was careless and that I knew better, and two, that my choices have consequences. What an apt parallel to my personal life. Where I find myself going against my gut so often, and get hurt when my instincts are proven right.
I truly do not have any self preservation, and this was a piercing (get it? Jk) reminder that sometimes your brain makes sense and to listen. Even when your heart is trying to lie to you.
-J
We were all together. We miss you every single day Jaye.